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Saturday, January 31, 2009

Don't Focus on the Big Picture

I probably have talked about this previously - not trying to focus on my ultimate goal, but take baby steps. That was the topic in our meeting today, setting small goals. I am totally a small goal setter, even though I focus sometimes on where I ultimately want to be. Currently, my goal is not even weight related. It is the Susan G. Komen 5k Race in June. After that, I plan to sign up for more races. I want to be a runner. I never thought I would say (or type that), but I do. I had to set some other goals that weren't weight related. In the past, weight related goals never worked for me. I have to find other things in my life that I want to focus on and want to accomplish, besides being at my "goal weight."

Time and time again I see stories of people who reach their goal weight and then gain the weight back because they never set non-weight related goals for themselves. I have to do set other goals for myself, because I would end up back where I started this journey - fat and unhappy. I know that I won't be "cured" from obesity because I have had a weight problem all my life. I will struggle with my weight for the rest of my life, but I just have to take it one day at a time.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

What a week...

It feels like a week from hell. I swear, things have been going on and I am just not motivated for exercise. I had friends who got laid off from work last week...now more are in the works. It just sucks and everyone is wondering if they are next. It just makes it a weird place for everyone to be. We are all trying to go about things like "normal" but it still feels weird.

Anyway, my exercise has totally fell off this week. I did do a DVD last night because I felt I had to do something. I went through it and felt good, but I don't know what it could be? I think that it is just a combo of a lot of things.

Hopefully my spunk will come back soon. I hate this crappy feeling. I'll write more later.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Finally!

Well, I finally broke the 50 lb mark at WW today! Whoopie!! I got my 50lb award for my key ring and a really tacky magnet for my fridge! I love it! I lost 1.6 lbs today, which helped carried me over. It was funny, because I got up there and weighed in and I had lost 49.8 lbs total! I was so close. Crystal, the woman who was weighing me in said to go to the bathroom and pee and also take off my jewelry. I took off my watch, rings and earrings. I also took a pee. LOL!! From all of that, that was .4lbs. She said she knew it!! She said that pee can be about .2 lbs. Interesting.

Also, today is a big milestone for me because I actually have less than 100 lbs to lose to meet my goal! Less than 100lbs....Wow! I haven't been in this situation in over 10 years. I feel good today. Hopefully my "weigh in high" will carry me through the week!

Today, I have to take my car in for an oil change. I am doing laundry and cleaning up. I am also organizing my daughter's first year photos. It is interesting to look back at those pictures and look at her today. Kids grow so fast. I do miss having my tiny little baby. However, she will always be my baby no matter how old she is.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Gotta Move It

Today, I have to do the training for the 5K. I didn't do it yesterday...I did grocery shopping and took my daughter with me to Joann Fabric for some scrapbook supplies. They had a 40-50% off sale on some paper that I wanted to get. That was awesome! I got some great paper and some stickers for my daughter's book.

After that, we came home...I did laundry and all the other house stuff that I cannot get to during the week. There just isn't enough time in the day. Maybe if I didn't need sleep, I could get a majority of the stuff that I want done. It's hard working 40+ hours a week, coming home and doing more work....It's 24-7. I need a vacation. I was telling my friend that I need a maid or something. My hubby contributes, but not as much as I would like him to. However, he makes half-assed attempts at cleaning, which can be a bit frustrating. We have been together almost 10 years...I should just be used to it already, right?

Also, we are going out to celebrate a birthday today...of course, with food. We are going to Chinese food, so I just have to make good decisions about what to eat. The sodium is going to puff me up though, but at least I know this going into it. I'll let you know how it goes.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Walking like a fat girl?!?!

The meeting today was so friggin' packed! Oh my God! I walk in and people are lined up along the wall. Mind you, the meeting before the beginning of year had about 15 people tops. Today, the place was full....about 50 people! I knew it was coming. The facility that I go to is a little church basement, so it isn't huge. Every seat was taken and there were a couple of people that had to stand. Unreal.

I lost 1.6 today, which was very exciting!! I was so happy to actually lose over a pound. I was like finally!! I've been hovering and dropping such small numbers the past couple of weeks.

Right now, I am also trying to get back into a hobby that I used to love....scrapbooking! I haven't done any consistent scrapping in over a year and I remember how I used to just love to just organize my photos and work on pages. I just haven't made any time to do that over the past couple of years. However, I feel like I want to devote more time to it, even if it is just a couple of hours a week.

I am also going to make a weight loss scrapbook and have been getting some pictures of me at my highest together! Dang! I cannot believe that I was as huge as I was. I broke down and cried because I couldn't believe I did that to myself. Me! I did it! I asked my hubby why he never said anything and he said that it didn't matter to him...I guess that is both good and bad. Mostly good. At least he wasn't one of those husbands that would nag and threaten their wife with divorce for getting fat. I mean, at my highest, we were still getting busy....so I guess it didn't bother him and he just got used to it.

The other day, a friend mentioned that I was walking like I still weighed 370lbs. I was like what?? Seriously? What does that look like? I had no idea. She said that it wasn't a bad thing but that she guessed that I haven't gotten comfotable with my weightloss and I'm still walking like I am carrying all the weight I lost. I had never heard that before and no one said anything. Maybe I haven't gotten comfortable in my weight loss yet? Not sure...It's interesting though. Maybe I need to work on getting more comfortable with my changing body?

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Getting through the week - will I make it?

Gosh, it is only Wednesday! It seems like this week is dragging, but then I looked at the calendar and realized that January is almost over. The scale this week is just holding. I know, I know...I need to just leave it to Saturday, but I always like to check in and see if anything has happened. Nope, nada!

The slow jogging (that is what I will call it), is going well. I also did the Jillian DVD a couple of days ago and I am still suffering. She is a killer man! Gotta love it. Abs hurt and my arms, I cannot raise them above my head. Shows you just how outta shape I am, but my goal is to get in shape!!

Right now I am watching old episodes of Ruby which I recorded on the DVR, but never watched. She has come a long way! Weight loss is a struggle, but it can be done. I hope and pray she sticks with it.

Also, I confessed to a coworker that I haven't told my mother about my weightloss. I just don't want to hear it. My mother, all my life, has given me a hard time about my weight. She would say things about how I would never marry, because I was fat or never be able to accomplish the career I wanted because of my size. It was so frustrating and just disappointing. I don't get the support I need from her on that aspect of my life. I just don't want to deal with her and her expectations. So, for over 2 years, I haven't seen her and I haven't told her. I talk to her on the phone, but I don't mention it. I don't mention Weight Watchers, either. I made the mistake of mentioning wanting weight loss surgery, when I was considering it. Oh man...why did I do that? She thought it was such a great idea and just was on me all the time about it. When I decided not to do it, she kept asking why every time I talked to her..."Are you going to look into the gastric-bypass again? You really need to do something about your weight."

Ugh! She mentioned the surgery again this past weekend and I was like, nope I wasn't considering it. I wanted to tell her I lost almost 100lbs, but I didn't. My coworker said that if my mom isn't supportive, then I shouldn't tell her. I don't want to go there with her because then everytime I talk with her, she will ask about how much weight I lost, how much I weigh, how much I want to lose...what am I eating, am I going to meetings....blah, blah, blah!! The focus will be on my weight and not on me. I don't want to hear it from her now, when I heard it almost everyday growing up.

What do you do about people who are unsupportive to your weight loss?

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Slow and Steady

My WW meeting today was a good one and there were a lot of new faces. One of the women in the group has been doing WW for 2 years and hasn't lost any weight. That can be frustrating and people were offering their advice, but I think she is discouraged and thinking about quitting. I think she needs to go see her doctor. I mean, if she has been eating on-plan, exercising and nothing has changed. There may be something hormonal going on that she needs to have checked out.

We talked about how we should give our WW programs a K.I.S.S. (Keep it Simple and Sustainable). That is so true! If it was complicated and not sustainable, I wouldn't count my points and exercise. As with last week's discussion, if you feel like you are walking a tight rope, get off. The program isn't working for you and it has turned more into a diet than a life change.

This week I only lost .4 lbs. Point 4 is a loss and I'll take it. I have totally slowed down, but hopefully it will pick back up again. I know eventually I cannot keep dropping 4-5 lbs a week. I have to keep in mind that "slow and steady wins the race." If my weight loss is slow an steady, then it isn't such a dramatic change. My changes started out as gradual, so slow and steady is just what my body wants to do right now.

Today is grocery shopping day and errand day. I will also try and walk this evening. I have started interval training following the Couch to 5K plan I found. It's a conservative program (7-month training) and since I have been consistently walking already, the walking part is not a problem. I am in the second month training where I have been adding in spurts of jogging/running. It's been good because I am starting to notice that I don't get as winded as I used to.

Anyway, I hope that everyone had a great week. I will try for another post this weekend. Things have been so busy and crazy...I need a breather!

Monday, January 5, 2009

In Perspective

I was watching the show Ruby last night and she was talking about how "skinny" she felt after losing 100lbs. I know some people watching the show were probably thinking..."Skinny, really? I don't think so sister!" However, it is all about perspective. To her, she feels skinny because her highest weight was 716 lbs., according to her blog and currently she is around 380 lbs. From that perspective, you may begin to understand why she feels skinny. I would feel skinny too if I lost over 300 lbs. It's about perspective.

I mentioned to a coworker, who also lost a lot of weight, where I had started from and how much I've lost over the year. She was open and honest with me about her weight, and mentioned how she viewed herself then and now. Now she doesn't want to hide her body, even if someone looks at her and thinks she has more weight to lose. She feels great and her attitude and wardrobe reflects that change within her by her weight loss. She accomplished almost a 100 lb weight loss and has kept it off for several years and she wants to show it off. It's all about perspective.

Yesterday, I was looking at some pictures of me at my highest. There are only a few because I avoided pictures like the plague. I didn't want to see myself, because I knew it was bad. Seeing it would make me have to put it all in perspective - that I was obese. Even though I knew I was fat, overweight, obese...or whatever label, if I avoided mirrors and cameras, I didn't have to see it, therefore it wasn't real. Does that make sense? Maybe yes or maybe no, but this was my logic at my highest weight.

I know that I can lose weight and work to become a healthier and happier person. I feel better and look better. I feel "skinner" even though I know that I am not "skinny". I know that my losing weight is life changing and effects everyone around me. I know that I have 100 more pounds to lose for my personal goal, but most of all through all of this, I have a new perspective on life. To me that's most important.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Walking the Tight Rope

I had my WW meeting yesterday and we talked about how the holiday went. It wasn't as crowded as I thought it was going to be, but there were some new faces. I lost 0.6 lbs, which was exciting because I didn't expect to lose anything this week. My leader mentioned that my weightloss may slow down for awhile and pick up again, it just depends on how my body handles the changes I'm doing - sort of like fat rearrangement.

In the meeting a topic that came up for discussion was how people want to lose weight right now, so they go online looking for a lose weight quick program, when in reality it took a while (years in a lot of cases), to pack on the weight. We have to realize that the weight won't come off quickly. It will take a year or two to reach your "goal" weight, depending on how much weight you have to lose. In the past, I was always looking for that lose weight quick program but have realized over the year those types of programs aren't going to help me because my problem is my relationship with food: (1) I love food and (2) food became an addiction and a substitute for dealing with my emotions.

For example, I was really stressed (whole bunch of issues that I would need a new blog for) on Wednesday and was just really agitated. I knew I should have exercised to help burn off the stress, but instead I had 1/2 a Green & Blacks Milk Chocolate Bar (which was so good). I knew I was eating because of my emotions and I stopped myself, knowing that I could continue eating and have the entire bar. Actually, having the chocolate helped...I didn't feel guilty and I did work out later that evening, which also helped. I didn't deny myself because I would obsess if I did. I just had what I wanted at the time, and moved on.

Now that I am working on my weight loss and my emotional eating, I feel like so much better physically and emotionally. I love my WW meetings because I realized how prevalent emotional eating was and that I'm not the only one who does it. Sometimes, it helps to know you aren't the only one.

In the WW meeting, we also talked about walking the "tight rope of weight loss" where you feel like you have to walk this narrow line of a diet and keep on plan, because if you fall off you just fall off completely and never get back on. Our leader stated that sometimes, you just got to get off the tight rope and take a different path worth walking that isn't so narrow and restrictive.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Celebrating NSV's!

Last night, I walked 4 miles on the treadmill in a hour. That may not seem like a lot to some folks out there, but that is a huge accomplishment for me.

I remember when I started exercising, I could hardly do a mile on zero incline at 1.5 miles an hour. I thought I was going to pass out in those early days, with my back and knees killing me with every step that I took. I continued to go on, walking for the majority of my exercise, throwing in an exercise video every now and then or a Fit TV show. I felt that it had to get easier and it did over time. As I progressed, the weight started coming off and I was able to move faster and for longer periods of time. I started bumping up the speed and adding some incline over the year. I'm not ready for a marathon yet (but I will be ready for the Susan G. Komen 5K in June), but I know that if I keep on losing weight and increasing my exercise, I will be.

I know I need to lose a lot more weight before adding jogging or running into the mix. I try to not focus on where I need to go, but instead focus on what I have accomplished. It was hard on my body, carrying that extra weight. I am starting to feel some freedom from the fat, with almost 100lbs gone, my joints say "thank you" everyday that I get up and walk or take the stairs.

I have my WW meeting tomorrow and wonder if it will be busy? Possibly? I like my small meeting, but it would be nice to add more folks into the mix. Also, I think I may have gained this week too (had a bit too much champagne bringing in the New Year), but that is usually what my body does. I'll have a couple of loses, but I will either gain or stay the same at the next weigh in. I'm starting to see and recognize this pattern as I go on. It isn't such a disappointment to me anymore if I don't see a loss, so this NSV was a big incentive for me to keep going!